My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
