I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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