I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize