Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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