I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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