nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
