i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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