All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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