I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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