And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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