he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
