Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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