Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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