dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
