Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
