my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize