So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
