I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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