Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
