my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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