Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
