There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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