im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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