White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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