So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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