Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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