**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
