I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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