Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
