i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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