I didn't shave. On purpose
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
