last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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