Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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