I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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