Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
