My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
