and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize