nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
