My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
