the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize