My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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