Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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