It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
