i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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