Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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