Why are handjobs necessary in class?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
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