Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
