I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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