I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
