last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
