Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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