:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
My pussy is not your playground.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
