And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
