I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
