so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Randomize
