Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
