Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
