I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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